Still not writting my essay.

[generaljanuary]

I'm thinking about dropping out in the process of my second semester if I can't handle the pressure. I adore college and all, but the workload baffles me. I know it's not a lot compared to what most people have to endure and I'm being whiny again but I like school because I can learn stuff, because I like being intelligent. But the concept of being forced into writing something I'm not interested in has me staring at my computer screen for hours.
I guess everybody's been right all along; I'm not an ambitious person at all. I'm a slacker. I've burried myself too deep in a cocoon too tantalysing.I like 'doing my stuff' as I myself put it. Listen to my music, read my books, watch my movies, cruise the internet. Obligations have become sort of alien to me. I hate the idea of expectations.
It disgusts me really. *sigh*
I wish I could sleep and sleep and sleep and stop thinking.

When I was a child, I always had a lot of trouble going to sleep at night. I'd think about the sky and the stars and how small I was comapred to all of that. I'd wonder why I was human being and not an animal. Why I was me and not someone else. I'd wonder why I was at all. Why did I deserve the privilege of living? And finding no answer I would often find my chest tightening and I'd weep silent tears of confusion, my face buried deep in my pillow or in my stuffed animals. Sometimes my mom would hear me and she'd come to sit by me on my bed. She'd stroke me eyebrows and tell me to think about tomorrow, to take things one day at a time. She'd make me practice imagery and visualistion because sometimes I'd confess to her that I was scared that I would never wake up if I fell asleep.

That must be pretty hard on a mother.

Comments

[boxing--clever.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that you're not enjoying school as much as you could be. I completely understand the shock of new expectations. If someone would pay me to do not a damn thing, I'd be all over that. I'm a bit worried about that myself when I start school in Feb.

I'd think about the sky and the stars and how small I was comapred to all of that. I'd wonder why I was human being and not an animal.

I admire the questioning constitution you must have to think this way. I've always been too easy going to care about much other than the obvious. Introversion and self analysis lead to many great things. Just don't let it get you down. I'm sure your mother loved being able to comfort you at those times. *hugs you*

[fanny-moon.livejournal.com]

I guess I always thought that's what I'd do with my life, not do a damn thing and write when I feel like it. That has always been my only life project. Become a loony writer. But I can't seem to write anything anymore so I guess that calls for plan B... and I've never been a plan B kinda person u_u;;

I doubt I'd actually drop out. I've always been way too scared of unknown grounds to do such a thing. I think about it a lot, but there's always this little voice in the back of my head telling me to do the right thing. I guess I just need to kick my own rear end. If only I could get organized and find motivation... I have to hand in a final essay in 5 hours and I haven't written a single word of it yet. I hate it. =/

I've always been too easy going to care about much other than the obvious.
The older I grow the more I become like that. *grins* I vividly remember knocking loudly on the table in one of my first philosophy class. "See! Solid! Table! Bang bang! Not air and particles! Sooooolid!" u_u;; My teacher was not impressed.

Thank you very much. Your kind words always put a smile on my face and god knows I needed that after a useless sleepless night staring at my computer screen trying to come up with something to write on that stupid essay. *hugs back*

[carorules.livejournal.com]

I was an anxious kid as well..
not fun, I totally get it..

I am not the most ambitious person either.. but I am convince that once you find your way, it's not important cuz you'll eventually find something you'd like to do and it won't be about that anymore.. I hope you can find that. it's tough..

[boxing--clever.livejournal.com]

I vividly remember knocking loudly on the table in one of my first philosophy class. "See! Solid! Table! Bang bang! Not air and particles! Sooooolid!" u_u;; My teacher was not impressed.

You make me laugh. *grins* I'm glad I could help make things better. Good luck in school. Hopefully you'll find your motivation.

[fanny-moon.livejournal.com]

thanks for your encouragements =3