Still not writting my essay.
Dec. 16th, 2005 02:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
generaljanuaryI'm thinking about dropping out in the process of my second semester if I can't handle the pressure. I adore college and all, but the workload baffles me. I know it's not a lot compared to what most people have to endure and I'm being whiny again but I like school because I can learn stuff, because I like being intelligent. But the concept of being forced into writing something I'm not interested in has me staring at my computer screen for hours.
I guess everybody's been right all along; I'm not an ambitious person at all. I'm a slacker. I've burried myself too deep in a cocoon too tantalysing.I like 'doing my stuff' as I myself put it. Listen to my music, read my books, watch my movies, cruise the internet. Obligations have become sort of alien to me. I hate the idea of expectations.
It disgusts me really. *sigh*
I wish I could sleep and sleep and sleep and stop thinking.
When I was a child, I always had a lot of trouble going to sleep at night. I'd think about the sky and the stars and how small I was comapred to all of that. I'd wonder why I was human being and not an animal. Why I was me and not someone else. I'd wonder why I was at all. Why did I deserve the privilege of living? And finding no answer I would often find my chest tightening and I'd weep silent tears of confusion, my face buried deep in my pillow or in my stuffed animals. Sometimes my mom would hear me and she'd come to sit by me on my bed. She'd stroke me eyebrows and tell me to think about tomorrow, to take things one day at a time. She'd make me practice imagery and visualistion because sometimes I'd confess to her that I was scared that I would never wake up if I fell asleep.
That must be pretty hard on a mother.
I guess everybody's been right all along; I'm not an ambitious person at all. I'm a slacker. I've burried myself too deep in a cocoon too tantalysing.I like 'doing my stuff' as I myself put it. Listen to my music, read my books, watch my movies, cruise the internet. Obligations have become sort of alien to me. I hate the idea of expectations.
It disgusts me really. *sigh*
I wish I could sleep and sleep and sleep and stop thinking.
When I was a child, I always had a lot of trouble going to sleep at night. I'd think about the sky and the stars and how small I was comapred to all of that. I'd wonder why I was human being and not an animal. Why I was me and not someone else. I'd wonder why I was at all. Why did I deserve the privilege of living? And finding no answer I would often find my chest tightening and I'd weep silent tears of confusion, my face buried deep in my pillow or in my stuffed animals. Sometimes my mom would hear me and she'd come to sit by me on my bed. She'd stroke me eyebrows and tell me to think about tomorrow, to take things one day at a time. She'd make me practice imagery and visualistion because sometimes I'd confess to her that I was scared that I would never wake up if I fell asleep.
That must be pretty hard on a mother.
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Date: 2005-12-17 11:43 am (UTC)You make me laugh. *grins* I'm glad I could help make things better. Good luck in school. Hopefully you'll find your motivation.