generaljanuary

These days, mostly, it had only been a fleeting thought., a flickering image. Today it slammed onto me dully, the same way it usually does. It numbed my senses a bit. Made me not care wether my hair was clean or not. But it stayed. It spread and streched and swallowed. It took shape in everything I saw, entertwined with my far away feelings. Today it was alive, the way it used to be. It was constantly by my side, it was constantly inside me, around me. When it becomes this stifling and emcompassing, I can never tell if it's me or it holdng the leach. I know it wouldn't exist if it wasn't for me thinking it into life, but I also wonder if it might not someday take complete control over me. Today was soaked with it. Tainted with my many weaknesses. And yet I know it is not te eternal I seek but just the oblivion. I can't remember the last time they were this strong and remained so long. I wonder if their effect has been amplified by absence because I don't know if I could bear it if the sun did not shine on me for just one more day.