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generaljanuaryI'm feeling rather emotional tonight. I can't decide if that's a good or a bad thing. I don't want to stop being moved to tears by beautiful poetry, but I don't want it to become bitter. The awe in front of such beauty could so easily turn into sorrow at never being able to attain it.
I've been thinking a bit about the future again, but not in my usual way. I'm looking into a more distant future, a post-action future. A bit like when you read a fanfiction and it takes place after the canon events, but in a perfect world. (They get back to the Shire and Frodo just moves back into Bilbo's old house, and Sam just goes back to being his gardner and they can quietly fall in love would be the perfect kind of example.) So yeah, my whole plot-quest-thingy would be going back to school, getting a diploma, moving out of my dad's place, earning good money from a job in my field, getting something published. I've already established that I have no idea how I am going to be able to acomplish any of that, so I decided to look beyond that. If I hypothetically settle down, will I get a life partner sort of person and share a bed, and a house and bills and have kids and stuff? Because I always adamantly said this was not the life I wanted. But still...
Just the thought of...
Ah well, no, I really can't go there, I really don't want to start crying right now, because I feel like I wouldn't be able to stop. It would be the nothing-can-comfort-me sort of crying. It would be abyssmal and quite pathetic, I am afraid.
Oh, I've put my finger on it, now. That's what being lonely feels like.
I'd almost forgotten and that's... a good thing somehow. Put a smile back on my face, it did. haha.
7 days until Sebastien is back <3
I've been thinking a bit about the future again, but not in my usual way. I'm looking into a more distant future, a post-action future. A bit like when you read a fanfiction and it takes place after the canon events, but in a perfect world. (They get back to the Shire and Frodo just moves back into Bilbo's old house, and Sam just goes back to being his gardner and they can quietly fall in love would be the perfect kind of example.) So yeah, my whole plot-quest-thingy would be going back to school, getting a diploma, moving out of my dad's place, earning good money from a job in my field, getting something published. I've already established that I have no idea how I am going to be able to acomplish any of that, so I decided to look beyond that. If I hypothetically settle down, will I get a life partner sort of person and share a bed, and a house and bills and have kids and stuff? Because I always adamantly said this was not the life I wanted. But still...
Just the thought of...
Ah well, no, I really can't go there, I really don't want to start crying right now, because I feel like I wouldn't be able to stop. It would be the nothing-can-comfort-me sort of crying. It would be abyssmal and quite pathetic, I am afraid.
Oh, I've put my finger on it, now. That's what being lonely feels like.
I'd almost forgotten and that's... a good thing somehow. Put a smile back on my face, it did. haha.
7 days until Sebastien is back <3
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Speaking of Poetry. . .
Date: 2008-09-30 05:33 pm (UTC)"I don't want to stop being moved to tears by beautiful poetry, but I don't want it to become bitter. The awe in front of such beauty could so easily turn into sorrow at never being able to attain it."
That sums up my feelings about my painful past so stunningly bang-on. I don't want to forget a moment of it, because it gives me an awe for the beauty that has become me. But then on the other hand, I don't want to become bitter at the sorrow of what I WANT to attain but am still struggling with because of my history. (YEs, I know this wasn't your point, but isn't that the true art in words or illustrations or music, that someone can find something deeply touching and meaningful in a very personalized way from another's art?)
More beauteous thoughts from you:
"Oh, I've put my finger on it, now. That's what being lonely feels like." That made me get a lump in my throat.
You have an amazing ability to put ephemeral and abstract emotions into thoughts framed by such tender words.
Re: Speaking of Poetry. . .
Date: 2008-10-02 02:08 am (UTC)Re: Speaking of Poetry. . .
Date: 2008-10-02 02:57 pm (UTC)