Lay the real thing on me

[generaljanuary]

Past week's been pretty weird. Been writing weird stuff, been working weird shifts and been feeling generally weird. Oh and Anxious. I guess I should have seen it coming though. My stomach had been doing some weird flip flopping for a couple a day, and I couldn't put my finger on what it was. Because it had been so long since it happened. And Sunday while I was at work it just full-flegedly exploded. Panic attack. Long and drawn-out. Started out tiny and bearable. Got worse. Then a little better. Then completely out of control. Then bearable again. I spent the worse of it collapsed in the restroom, hoping no one could hear me gasping for breath through the door. I think my co-workers saw that I wasn't feeling right because they let me leave a little early, which should have been a relief, but I got scared that they'd heard me and had another horrible episode in the restroom. I know some of them heard me that second time but they were graceful enough not to mention it when I left hurriedly. At first I could see no aparent reason, I thought it was the bear thing again. (See, when the college psych explained anxiety disorder, she said to imagine I was walking through a forest and met a bear, my brain would send the message to my body to work faster so that I could run away or something. Anxiety disorder is just your brain seeing bears where there are none. So your heart beats faster, and your breath comes shorter and you feel very very scared. Usually for no reason at all, or for reasons that do not necessit such measures.) But then I thought about it and I think maybe money's just a little too tight for my liking. Maybe the prospect of Christmas is just too much for me right now. Maybe my bond with each of my family member is stretching too thin for my comfort. Maybe I'm just too used to burying things that bother me so that I can't even recognize that they are bothering me.

But mostly, now, just tiny flipflops as I walk through overcrowded places. The veil of weirdness seems to be lifting a little. :)

Comments

[fanny-moon.livejournal.com]

Yeah it's the same for me, sometimes there's a reason, other times, I don't know.
Yeah LJ helps me deal with a lot of of real life stuff. I do talk about my panic attacks with my best friend (and flatmate) but I guess he is a bit like you, full of good intentions but powerless. Just listening and not judging actually helps a lot for me :)
Most of my co-workers look up to me and rely on me a lot because I'm older and more experienced and I like being a strong figure they feel they can count on. I wouldn't want that to change. Plus, we're a pretty tight group and I wouldn't want them to worry.