generaljanuary: (amours imaginaires: nico)
-write more
-can't sleep
-have a lot of nosebleeds
-am generally more nostalgic
-stay inside too much
-have even more headaches than usual
-get to show off my tattoo
-can confortably plop down in a park for a whole afternoon
-have less apetite
-usually go to the movie theatre once a week
-listen to different CDs than in the winter (O_o)
-don't like having the windows open even though the air is suffocating inside


Oh yeah, meteorological summer has started. I had like 5 of these summer symptoms today. And they were not the pleasant ones. lol


I'm starting to get pretty excited for la St-Jean Baptiste, that we will celebrate on wednesday night. Though I still personally sometimes feel misty eyed with pride for my people and its history, the Nation Holiday is pretty much an excuse to party outside all night long with half the city. The booze is bought, now we are crossing our fingers for good weather. :D

Gotta go, the cake in the fridge is calling my name.
generaljanuary: (dying again loser)
Movie night + one movie rec + a little rl )
generaljanuary: (birdies)
I'm going out for coffee tonight with two of my oldest friends. We rarely get to see each other these days, but every few months we try to plan a little something. Though I love them dearly and am eager to hear about their lives I always feel awkward when we meet like this.

They are driven and successful. Have been in healthy relationships with great guys for years. One of them is an internatonal flight attendant and the other is about to enter a doctorate in psychology. Our other friend can't be with us tonight because she is currently in Europe for her thesis in biology.

I dropped out of college. Twice. I've never been in a relationship, never even been on a date. I don't have much to bring to the table. :|

I'm still going to have a good time, though. Because I love them. Have loved them for over 15 years. And I miss them and the easier times they remind me of. :)



ETA: Aah, Fannie, when are you going to learn that things are never as they seem. *wistful head shake* :)
generaljanuary: (its ok im not leaving you)
Soooo. I've been home for about 4 days and now I come back to internetland and I have like 200 entries to catch up on on my friends page. Whoo hoo! I'm wading through, slowly but surely. ;)

I missed sunday night FFA at [livejournal.com profile] ontd_spnparty :(

I've been on a Grey's Anatomy marathon. In four days I've gone through S1, S2 and half of S3. It's a re-watch, I've seen everything up to the end of season 4. I was suprised to realize that I know most of S1 and S2 by heart. I didn't know I watched GA that much. I'm looking forward to re-watching S4. I only watched it once and I was under the influence of internet bitchfests so now I can watch it again with more distance. (Also I'm sort of in love with Owen. I loved Burke too. I'm totally stalking Cristina's men and it's funny 'cause there could NOT be a character I less identify with. haha) What I hate the most about Greys? The cast drama influencing the plot. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. And it's not even just the one time. It happens over and over and over again.

On another show watching note, I converted on of my guy friend to SPN and we've finally reached the end of S3! \0/ (It's been almost a year since we started watching it, our schedules don't really match. haha)

Completely unrelated, but the trailer for Xavier Dolan's new movie just came on the tv.



Now I'm really looking forward to the eleventh! I wasn't sure if I was going to go see it because Dolan's boy genius attitude seriously gets on my nerves. (I heard he's really like that, I heard it's a character he plays, I heard it's only to mask the fact that he is really shy, I really don't care, there are other ways to present yourself *eyeroll*) But now I am intrigued.

I think that's it. :)

Oh! I might or might not be writing J2 fanfiction. More on that later. Maybe.

And omg, this post was so painful to write. My brain can't english right, je suis désolée.
generaljanuary: (happy bb sammy)

 

Me and my BF, sitting on his couch. He's watching some DVDs and I'm abusing his laptop:

Seb: What are you doing? You keep sighing.
Me: Bleargh. I re-organizing my tags. I have like 140 tags and as many entries. It's long and boring.
Seb: Did you keep your "Seb" tag?
Me: No. I shoved you in RL.
Seb: *stricken* What?!
Me: You're the only person who's interested in the Seb tag, Seb. *eyeroll*

haha, I <3 him.

So yeah, I re-organized my tags. It was long and boring. I'm not saying every entry is perfectly tagged,but at lest I don't have 100 useless tags anymore. :)
generaljanuary: (sw+dw)

I've re-watched some early Supernatural season 4 this morning and I want to hate Sam so much. I understand his motivations, but why the lies. You break my heart, Sammy. What redeems him in my opinion (and I find it curious because I consciously adhere to no religion), is his earnest faith in angels and God. How excited and happy he is to learn of their actual, proved existence. He is thrilled at the idea that the angels are coming to help them. 

I hate when they give horoscopes on the radio. Actually I hate listening to the radio.  /random

I chose a new layout earlier this week, I was getting tired of the old one and found it too dark. Nothing fancy, but it might only be temporary. Also I need to find a new mood theme. *is still lj-stupid after 5 years*

Also, I need to start looking for a new job. The tip to paying off debts and saving money is... to actually earn some. (actually the only incentive I have right now to get a job is that I'll need money in september to buy Supernatural season 5 when it comes out on DVD. Yes, I know that's pretty sad.) Actually, I want to pay off my credit card and save at least 1000$ before I apply for university.  *hums "Dream On" by Depêche Mode*
After nearly 7 years of slaving away at a job I always hated, I did deserve a little time off, no? My friends and family's answer to that seems to be...  NO. haha.

RL is hard. *sigh*


If only a million sigh could turn into a tornado
And sweep away my troubles
...
A million and one.

Have a nice day everyone, I hope the sun is shining wherever you are. If not, grab your umbrella and make your own sunshine. :)

EDIT: I found a cool animated SPN mood theme! It's made by [livejournal.com profile] lidi and you can find it HERE
generaljanuary: (keep on smilin)
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This writer's block has an insane timing! June 24th is St-John the Baptist day, Quebec's National holiday. And I know I heard a few wild things about the 4th of July in the US,  but nothing beats la Saint-Jean in the National Capital! I had an awesome night and wasn't all that socially awkward, which was great. I got home at seven in the morning and collapsed in my bed, wishing a semi-comatose Seb good luck on his day at work. ( The poor, poor bastard. *snerk*)


We are suppsed to go camping in Old Orchards Beach in a few weeks. With his family, which is awkward on many levels. One of them being that he's gay, his family knows that he's gay and I'm just this fat, pleasant excuse for a tag-along. Oh and his father is my super boss. He doesn't work at my store everyday, but he is the director for our franchise or something and that just freaks me right out. But still, I can't wait. Seb's been better than great in the last few days and he used to be estranged with his family, but now they're better and I'm glad for him. and his family is always so pleased to be spending tim with him.
generaljanuary: (cartoon brian)
I won the Placebo fan review competition! My tiny tidbit is now on their official website and my prize is in the mail. I'm glad about the prize, but I'm more psyched about the fact that among thousands of sentences they chose five and that mine is one of those.  :D

Fannie Dubé. Aged 21 from Québec, Canada
"In the past Placebo sought to create and explore wounds. Battle For the Sun cauterizes them with the fire of a renewed energy"


http://www.placeboworld.co.uk/mynews.php?id=77

(And now the whole wide world knows my full name. Haha, I thought that was the best-kept secret on the net.)

(Sebastien accused me of being over-enthusisastic about this and I had to bite my fingers to stop myself from telling him to stop pissing on my parade. My life is pretty sucky, can't I celebrate when something special happens?)

G'night.

Jun. 2nd, 2009 12:44 am
generaljanuary: (spn: my brother)
Seb:* laying in his futon, watching House dvds*
Me:*sitting in his big-ass brown chair, reading Supernatural fanfiction on his laptop*
Seb: *turns of fTV and bedside lamp* I'm turning in, good night. *hides face under covers*
Me:... Did you switch which side of your futon you rest your head on? I thought you slept with your feet that way?
Seb: Well, I don't really have a pre-definite position.
Me:*wide-eyed in the dark* ...Wow. I couldn't do that.
Seb: I know! *chuckles*
Me:What?
Seb: You're compulsive about your sleeping habits. You can't sleep if you're missing one of your six pillows.
Both: *laugh*
Me: ...I'll have you know that I've been doing without one of my pillows for a few days. I saw a spider crawling on it and I can't bring myself to drag it back from the floor to my bed.
Seb: * laughs at me some more*
generaljanuary: (organic coast)
I don't think I've ever mentionned my love for classical music. (I don't remember if I even listed it in my interests, oh well.) I love classical music and I think Beethoven's ninth is te greatest song ever to have been written.

Also, I'm in love with Montreal's Symphonic Orchestra's Maestro; Kent Nagano.


This:
Welcome, Maestro Kent Nagano, to Montreal. We already love you. Mostly because you have rock star hair, and because you get so intense when you conduct that you look like a Samurai warrior in an action movie.
was sais about him when he first arrived in Montreal in 2006.
Switch "samurai warrior" for "Seme" and "action movie" for "yaoi manga" and you get an inkling of why I fell in passion with him at the beginning. But oh! Intense is really the word for him. That hair of his, slighly streaked with grey, flying about as he savagely gestures with his whole body. And his proud smile when he turns to salute the crowd after a song. And how he wears those glasses when he reads speaches for the press. And his adorable, heavily accented French. (I love someone who puts an effort into learning French. God knows Montreal has become so depressingly bilingual)

So when I learnt that the Montreal Symphonic Orchestra was going to be playing the ninth at the Bell Center to comemorate the 100th anniversary of Montreal's hockey team Les Canadiens and the 75th anniversary of the MSO I hopped in a car with a few friends and made the trip.

It was memorable. I cried most of the way through. The music goes right through my body straight to my heart and soul, which tremble and sing as the chords of the violas, violins, harps and cellos. *content sigh*

Also, we slept in a charming youth hostel. It was my first experience and I'd go back anytime. We were roomed with a guy from France who had just arrived in Canada and had a funny discussion about Quebec's inferiority complex. We taught him swear words and such. (Yes we speak french, but no, we don't swear like the French. ;) )
generaljanuary: (I <3 bowie)
Free studies are starting to look alright to me. I used to be pretty sure I didn't want to enter university, but the more I think about it, the more I think going back to college with no idea what's waiting for me after is bit of a no-go. I've been whining for years that I've become a drifter because I spent all my teens thinking I would most likely not live past twenty and therefor had no actual plan for the future.
So... I think I'm going to look into financial aid (my dad always said I wouldn't have to keep paying him to stay home if I went back to school, but I know that he couldn't afford losing the feeble amount I provide him each month...)and enter university in free studies in order to gather enough credits to enter an actual uni program. I'm thinking... teaching. French or English, most likely. In secondary school(high school) or cegep (college). I dunno... I just really, really badly want to do something concrete other than working my crappy, CRAPPY job. Seriously. I want to feel like I'm actually worth something. Like I'm a pro-active part of society, or whatever. I just don't want to be that ridiculous college dropout wasting away in a fast-food place forever.

I've got to hunt down new comms, my regulars have gone almost dead in the last week or so.

Come home

Feb. 12th, 2009 07:51 pm
generaljanuary: (how long ago)
So it finally happened. I wished and wished and wished for it to happen and it finally did. My sister came home and introduced her son to my father. It`d been... oh, two and a half years, I think, since she`d been here. He hadn`t even seen her while she was pregnant. He would have never known that he was a grandfather if I hadn`t told him. My position in their conflict had always been: It`s none of my business. But they both are cowardly stubborn fools. They would have never talked again. I know it. So in the end I had to shove things along.
I didn`t exepect a joyous family reunion. It was awkward and sad, like most things are, now, in this house. If my sister didn`t like it here when she left, I don`t know how she could like it better now. My clean and happy childhood house has become a filthy den full of disreputable people and their direputable activities. No place for a child, she probably thought. Not that she would be one to judge. Her boyfriend and father to her son is someone I would call disreputable too, but who am I to judge.
I`m glad that I got to show my godson around my bedroom. He jumped on my bed and played with my dog. Watched Sebastien play video games and gushed over an old Spiderman poster.

The only person who walked out with a smile was the baby, ever happy to explore new locations and play with new people. But I believe that in the long run, things will be better. I have to believe that.

Mais...

Feb. 8th, 2009 01:03 am
generaljanuary: (keep on smilin)
Mais je serai toujours la pour aller te chercher ta bouteille d'absinthe quand tu auras besoin de "vomir ta vie" parce que "les gars c'est tous des salauds". Et oui, je t'avais dit qu'il avait une face de crosseur, mais non, je n'ai pas toujours raison. Ne laisse pas une autre blessure te priver du bonheur que tu merites. *gros calin*
generaljanuary: (Default)
I've got a lot of silly stupid things to write about so if you are in a hurry feel free to skip my sure-to-be overly long post and carry on with whatever it is that you are doing.

I burnt both my hands in separate incidents today at work. They've got these painful, ugly blisters and I can't remember if they hurt less or more if you burst them. One would think that someone who burns herself as often as I do would remember something like that, but no. I don't.

Sebastien is sort of pampering me and I can't bring myself to tell him to stop. He'll be hurt, he won't understand and I won't want to explain. It would go something like this:
Fannie: Stop acting like you're my boyfriend.
Sebastien: What?!
F: If you do everything for me I won't be able to stand on my own when you leave.
S: Pish posh! I'll never leave!
F: Stop saying that. One day you will get a boyfriend and I will expect you to care more for him than you do for me.
S: I don't need a boyfriend, I've got you. Besides, you might get a boyfriend. Or girlfriend. Whatever.
F: I won't.
S: (now he'll look sad, he always does when I say something that makes him see just how low my self-esteem can reach) That again!
F: That always. This is not about my personal drama, this is about you being too kind and me being almost selfish enough to let you do it. I know you're only trying to be a good friend but I want to be a good friend too. I'll never learn to do things on my own if you're always there to do them for me.
S: But I don't feel like I have to, I just like doing stuff for you.
F: This conversation is making me sound like Jennifer Anniston's stupid character in "The Object of my Affection".
S: Yeah, whatever, if you feel inspired enough to write imaginary arguments in your livejournal go write a play or something.

... anyways.

A childhood memory came over me today for no reason at all. I remember being with my mother at the drug store and she spent hours choosing a lipstick. She'd test them on her hand, see what the colours looked like. She tried all sorts of reds, pinks and mochas. My mother was never an elegant lady. She was a stay at home mom, she'd usually only wear make up if we went out to the mall or the restaurant, but as a little girl, that fact didn't enter my mind as she asked my opinion about certain colours. After an eternity and a hand smeared in a true pallet of lipstick shades, we left the store, both beaming, with this precious, tiny tube of bright, outrageously red lipstick. I don't think she ever wore it. Maybe she thought she couldn't pull it off. Or even worse, maybe inside, she felt like the kind of woman who could pull it off, but when she saw it on herself in the mirror she felt actually really silly and frustrated for ever thinking that she could be this fabulous, daring woman. I know for a fact this has often happened to me. I'd spend the longest time applying make up just to look at myself in the mirror at the end of it all and bursting into frustated, self-berating fits of self-esteem crash, complete with tears and throwing stuff around. In my teens, my mother gave that tube of lipstick to me. I wonder if it was a thoughtless act or if she actually felt like she was giving away her hopes of ever being the kind of woman who can pull off bright red lipstick. I wonder if she was hoping I'd grow to be he kind of woman she knew she could never be. Well, mom, I do wear crazy shades of lipstick, but as you know I am not a case of study in self-confidence, I hope you are not disapointed.

I have to apply to go back to college. I have to. If I don't, I fear I will just... crumble up into ashes and disapear completely. This year, I really feel that it's now or never and if it's never, the shame would overwhelm me and I'd never be able to look anyone in the eyes ever again. Expecially not my poor disapointed dad.

I was thinking earlier today that there are rooms in my house that I haven't been in for years now. Which brought on the thought (of which I've been aware for a very, very long time, but shied away from) that my house hasn't felt like home for many, many years and yet I do not feel any need to move out, or be elsewhere. I do not feel the need to be anywhere at all, most of the time, anyway. I do not really recognize my needs anymore. They're sort of swallowed up in strange mood waves and expectations and lethargicity. The only need I know to be entirely true is the need to fill every available inch of my mind with absolutely anything. So that I don't have to think about real stuff for too long. I don't know if I'm glad or sad to have finally found out why I've always been so eager to read every book that's ever been written and watch every movie that's ever been made.
generaljanuary: (keep on smilin)
*grins like a fool*
Sebastien threw me a surprise birthday dinner party. Lots of people showed up. I was really glad and surprised. I have this ridiculous notion that I like everyone much more than they like me, so to see so many unexpected, beloved faces made me just a tad emotional, once more this year.
I usually hate surprises.
They've all been planning this for two weeks! I can't believe it.

Last year, he did something similar, threw me a surprise birthday party and I must admit I cried a little. I couldn't believe people had actully come to celebrate my insignificant birthday.

This year, I'm somehow glad to say that the astonishment was little less intense. I take it as good news concerning the state of my self esteem. :)

Just... Thank you. :)
generaljanuary: (organic coast)
Today I went to visit Laurie, my sister, with Maman. My 18 months old godson, Zack, had been sick for a few days and Maman was worried Laurie was also catching it, so we visited to make sure she was fine and had no trouble taking care of him. My sister is a proud stay at home mom. That's the way she and I were raised and she intend to do the same for as long as her and her boyfriend can afford it, which will not be for very much longer, sadly.
Turns out both Laurie and her son were doing just fine thank you very much, to my great relief. She even offered to dye my hair, a task much overdue.

I wanted to post really badly about my day. Re-reading my paragraph, I can't really see why since there obviously wasn't much to tell.

But really, the love in my heart swells to such dimensions when I think about my sister and my godson, such a protective, overpowering kind of love. It fills me whole, it clogs my throat, it spills over the brim. There is not enough of me to contain this tenderness, this prayer begging for their happiness to be everlasting.

So really, my day was filled.


"Pomme! Pomme!" goes Zack while I try to take his picture. <3
generaljanuary: (x mas)
I'm not big on Christmas. My family situation is... strained. The Holiday season has been a parade of disapointments for a couple of years so now I dont expect anything and just grit my teeth through December.
What I am big on, though, is making the people I love happy. So I do buy presents. But it's torture. I haven't bought anything but a few toy cars and socks for my Godson. Other than that, nothing. I'm due for a huge shopping trip today.
The one I always want to please the most, my Papa, is a very simple man with no passions or passtimes. The Canadian Tire gift card is kinda getting old, but whenever I try to buy something different (clothes, tickets to go see comedians) he doesn't seem all that pleased either. I didn't spend Christmas with Papa last year so his present has been collecting dust under the living room table, unopened, for a year now. Isn't it the most ridiculous thing. To love someone this much without being able to share much more than futile small talk.
Other than that, there is my beloved sister whose needs will always be much greater that the meager means I have to provide for her. She didn't choose the easy path, but she chose it herself so I try to help her the best I can.
My Maman is always the easiest to please. I'm not all that worried about her.
Sebastien should be easy as well. He thinks he's all mysterious and that I'll never find something to give him but we're always shopping together and I know of at least 50 things he's gushed about but hasn't bought.
And that leaves out my Godson. Tiny savior of my soul that he is. My sister tells me he runs around my sister's appartment daily going: "Tatie! Tatie! Ta-TIIIE" Which would be pronounced 'Tatee' and means 'Aunty'. There is just no way to describe how my heart swells when he wraps his tiny arms around my neck for one of his rare hugs. His grand-parents (on his father's side) are spoiling him rotten with toys so my sister asked me to buy him socks and sweaters... Oh well.

Posting on LJ as a way to procrastinate. Good way NOT to get my Christmas shopping done. *sigh*
generaljanuary: (gay sex?!?)
So. A majority for Jean Charest's Liberals, huh? I'm disguisted with my province. Not because they elected the liberals, I expected that much, and in and of itself, it doesn't bother me all that much... What maddens me is the ridiculous participation rate: 57,3% . It's not as if it was hard or if they had to go very far. They just can't be bothered. Oh and it was cold outside that day. Cold?!? I mean when did that become a rightful reason to deny your civilian right and duty. Democracy is a privilege that barely over half of they Quebecois seem to grasp and I am disgusted. How do we get, as a province, to bitch and whine about independency if you can't be arsed to choose our own government.

I am also saddened by Mario Dumont's departure as the leader of the Action Democratique du Quebec. I fear this party will lose all of its remaining supports if they make a faux-pas (which is most liekly to happen) choosing their new leader. I'd vouch for Sylvain Legare, but I don't think he will be interested in the position seeing as his son was born on the day of the election, I think he'll want to spend some time wit his family.

December 8th was also the anniversary of John Lennon's premature death 28 years ago. My heart clenches when I think about it. Such a loss.
Paul McCartney really did make me cry this summer when I saw him live. "And now, I sing this song for my frind John." He said solemly before he offered a beautiful rendition of Give Peace a Chance.

Edit: Oh, and the Icon is totally unrelated with my post but I just fished it out of my really old icon den and it never fails to make me laugh. ^_^
generaljanuary: (dont let go)
I hate when people assume things about me. I hate the idea of people talking about me when I'm not there, it really freaks me out. I live a very uneventful life, so rumours about me? yeah, no. I used to have the mother of all inferiority complexes. Someone would merely look at me and I'd literally want to die because I was sure they were thinking all kinds of stuff about me. I'm all nice and sane, now, can you please refrain from taking me back to that miserable period in my life?
*sigh*

I think Papa liked his birthday gift! I'm very glad. I gave him tickets to go see a very well-known comedian and a nice card in which I wrote a tiny sad poem that went like this:

Spending one's whole life building bridges
In hopes that others shall cross them
Silence gathers and weights heavily
Upon the hearts of those who love too much


I just couldn't have writen something nice and cheery and I tried not to write something too complicated either, because my Papa was never the most literate of men. Just a little something to let him know that I know I'm not always the daughter he deserves to have. :)
generaljanuary: (Default)
soucis noirs sur mon ame
l'image s'etouffe et s'estompe
la clarte soudaine, un chemin
mes yeux epuise epris de la paleur
du matin qui trouve ton sourire
sur mon oreiller blanc

The melancholy's been stuck in my throat all day, refusing to let me breath or let me go.

It snowed today. Almost all day. It was only melting snow, so it won't stay. (thank god, it's only October after all) They say this winter is going to be as bad as last year, when we broke all records with a scary 500+ centimeters of accumulated snow. My forecast for the upcoming winter? A lot of helping maman shovel snow around her tiny parking space and countless city buses dropping me off in the middle of impromptu snow mounds. Last year, it was terrible. Everytime it snowed, people became more and more apalled, where are we going to put it? There was literally no more space. The city had to find and buy more vacant lots. When you walked in the suburbs, you couldn't see the houses, they were all buried in snow. If you called for delivery pizza, you had to go wait ouside for it because they couldn't see the adress plates. Mailmen were pulling their hair out and I'm not talking about ambulances. A guy even put his snow on sale on eBay. He got rid of it and donated the money to charity.
I guess every one goes a little crazy in the winter here in Quebec city. :)

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